It’s Time For Book Club! “Mattering” by Jennifer Breheny Wallace

Have You Ever Heard of ‘Mattering’? 

Many of us may belong to book clubs or simply enjoy reading alongside others and swapping recommendations. Recently, we had the opportunity to read a newly published book by Jennifer Breheny Wallace titled “Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose.” This book offers a compelling roadmap for exploring how mattering not only to ourselves, but also in our homes, schools, workplaces, and communities, can have a profound impact on our fulfillment in life.   

We learned about this book thanks to The Family Action Network, an Evanston-based organization that curates an engaging lineup of speakers and programs each year focused on education, human development, and mental health. 

Now, what exactly is “mattering?” Mattering is the general belief that we are important to others. Wallace suggests that feeling valued and having a sense of purpose through our connections is a fundamental human need – essential for our wellbeing.

A Quick Book Summary:

You may be reflecting already on the places or processes where you feel like you matter. Maybe it’s settling into that first job, where you are a contributing member of a team, or having a leadership role in a club on campus. Maybe it’s being part of a network of friends that support each other. These examples, while situational, are built over time, reminding us that mattering isn’t something we just achieve once. It can be an ongoing practice, especially when we encounter a life transition.

Throughout the book, Wallace weaves powerful stories of people across the lifespan who embark on journeys of mattering, from individuals navigating a cross-country move or graduation to feelings of grief or loneliness. Many of us may find ourselves in these kinds of circumstances ourselves – moving through transitions while trying to meet our needs and cultivate stability, fulfillment, and a strong sense of self. Carrying a sense of mattering through these shifts can help us stay anchored in our lives.

According to Wallace, researchers have uncovered some key ingredients that make us feel like we matter:

• Recognition: We are appreciated for who we are, not just what we do.
• Reliance: People in this world depend on us, trust us, and rely on us.
• Importance: We are significant to the people in our lives.
•  Attunement: We feel that society understands, values, and responds to our needs with care, dignity, and respect.
• Ego Extension: Our lives are enhanced because we invest in the people around us. When it’s strong, it means we feel invested in the broader world and trust that, in its own way, the world is invested in us.

What Does This Mean, As a Young Adult? 

Cultivating this sense of purpose and value can feel especially difficult for young adults. After graduating from high school or college, many emerging adults face a sudden loss of structure and a lack of societal support systems, leaving them to navigate these needs on their own. Especially after leaving home, when we haven’t quite built our community or “our village” yet, and aren’t yet established in our careers, it can be hard to feel like we matter.  At this age, we may be contending with questions like, “What is my purpose?” or “What does this all mean?” And we may not necessarily have environments to explore these thoughts in a constructive and meaningful way. We may personalize these big life questions, instead of having a venue where we can tackle them with each other, and put them into a greater context. 

That’s one of the reasons why we may look to define and prioritize mattering outside of formal institutions. Mattering can act as a form of scaffolding for the development of our self-esteem and self-worth, and a base on which we build our values. It can even be a buffer against loneliness in this transitional time in our lives. Even as we emerge into adulthood and beyond, it is still possible to find and create relationships where we feel appreciated. Often, these are the people who give us their genuine attention, who make us feel seen and prioritized in a world full of distractions. As French philosopher Simone Weil once said, “Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” And in a culture saturated with noise and divided focus, offering someone our full attention becomes a powerful way of affirming their worth, and showing them how much, in turn, they matter to us. 

Questions For Reflection:

In reflecting on this idea of mattering, we encourage you to reflect on some questions and thoughts that this book generated for us. Perhaps you might journal on a few of these questions below or discuss them in a group.

• What are some subtle everyday interactions that have made you feel like you matter?
• When have you helped someone feel that way?
• Why do these moments linger so powerfully – and how might we intentionally shape daily interactions to create more of them?
•  Life transitions can shake our sense of mattering, maybe more than we might expect. Can you name a transition in your own life that felt challenging? How does viewing it through the lens of mattering reframe that experience?
• What might change in your relationships, school, workplace, or community if mattering were taken more seriously?

Wrapping It All Up:

This notion of mattering can help us reframe the way we think about connection in our own lives. Viewing life through this lens can help us clarify a sense of purpose, ease loneliness, find steadiness in transitions, and deepen our relationships. This can also be a powerful practice in therapy too, whether in individual, couple, family, or group settings. If you’d like to explore your relationships through this lens of mattering, reach out to Connections Health to learn more about our personalized therapy services, group offerings, and wellness programming.

As Wallace concludes, “We want to know that who we are, and what we do, makes a difference in this world. We want to know that our lives – our very existence – matters.”